


Breaking Me

by wicciangirl



Category: Adam Lambert (Musician), American Idol RPF, Kris Allen (Musician)
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-05
Updated: 2014-01-05
Packaged: 2018-01-07 12:55:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,004
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1120060
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wicciangirl/pseuds/wicciangirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Fear gets the better of Kris.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Breaking Me

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I know none of these people, nor do I own them, they own themselves. This story is completely fictional.

“I want to thank everyone for coming tonight and I hope you have enjoyed yourselves. Now I want to sing a song called Killing Me by the band Sugarcult.” Adam said gesturing for the band to start.

Adam swallowed and pushed down his pain as he sang,  
“Yesterday I broke your heart in two  
Today I wanna waste my life with you  
but it’s over, over

I don’t wanna touch anybody else  
But kissin' you's a drug bad for my health  
and its over, over, so over

Its killin' me!  
Gently, silently, I’m dyin’ inside  
Gently, silently, I’m dyin’ inside

I hear it in your voice on the telephone  
You’re so good at playin' stable when you’re all alone  
and its over, over, so over

Its killin’ me!  
Gently, silently, I’m dyin’ inside  
Gently, silently, I’m dyin’ inside

I’m down and out  
(down and out)

I’m drownin' now  
(drownin’ now)

I’m fallin' down  
(fallin’ down)  
I’m upside down...”

Adam found himself wiping tears away as he fought to continue the song. He wouldn’t get another chance to explain his decision, he regretted that it had to be done so publically but they had always communicated best through music. 

“This time now I’m fallin down  
Its killin’ me!  
Gently, silently, I’m dyin’ inside  
Gently, silently, I’m dyin’ inside

Gently  
(giving up)  
silently  
(all I've got)  
dyin’  
(giving you all you want)

Gently  
(giving up)  
silently  
(all I've got)  
dyin’  
(giving you)  
inside  
(all you want)  
Yesterday I broke your heart in two.”

Adam was surprised by the awed silence that had descended, almost as if his audience recognised it was something he needed to say. It wasn’t a message that people would understand and there would be an inevitable storm of speculation regarding the identity of the man he was singing to. Adam was sure no one would guess the truth and he was fine with that, he just needed to verbalise his pain and explain himself.

Adam decided to take the chance to flee the stage whilst everyone was getting over his performance. As he made his way backstage Adam focused on keeping the tears away, giving everyone a weak smile of greeting. Adam was startled when a hand landed on his shoulder, he spun around smiling in relief at the sight of Tommy’s familiar comforting smile.

“You okay?” Tommy asked seriously.

“Yeah. I want to get out of here,” Adam replied, aware that Tommy didn’t believe him but wouldn’t push the issue.

Tommy nodded and called over Adam’s bodyguard to help them get out of the building without being hassled by fans. Although Adam hadn’t asked for his presence, Tommy felt his friend needed company, if only to stop him throwing up on the furniture after getting totally wasted.

Uncaring of how the record company would react to him leaving before the assigned time, Adam walked out of the building with Tommy at his side. On reaching the car, Tommy opened the door and waited for Adam to get inn before doing so himself. Once inside the car, Tommy placed a reassuring hand on Adam’s knee as they started driving.  
*******  
Adam groaned as was pulled from his sleep by a ray of sunlight hitting his face, frowning at the scent of coffee, who could be in his home? He closed his eyes and tried to think back to the night before but it was as though the details were behind an impenetrable cloud of fog. He could remember asking Tommy into his home and taking out a couple of bottles of whiskey, the rest was a blank. Adam was terrified he had done something stupid like fucking his friend.

Adam yawned and went into the bathroom to perform his morning ablutions before steeling himself and walking into the lounge. He was relieved to see pillows and a blanket on the couch, obviously where Tommy had slept the previous night.

“Are you feeling better?” Tommy asked as he handed Adam a cup of coffee.

“Yeah. Thanks for everything,” Adam said with a sincere smile.

Placing a hand on Adam’s arm to get his attention Tommy said passionately, “I don’t know who has you so fucked up but whoever he is...he’s not worth it. He can’t be if he hurts you so much you. You don’t have to be with someone who’s annihilating you from the inside out. Don’t back down, Adam.”

“I know you’re right but...he was my sun and moon.”

“You’ll get through it, just give it time. I’ve got to run or I'll be late for rehearsals,” Tommy said with a grin.

Adam nodded and quickly hugged his friend before showing the man to the door. Adam walked back to his bedroom and rummaged around for something to wear. Just because he was feeling like his world had ended it didn’t mean he could be seen in public looking a mess.

Once dressed Adam walked into the lounge and switched on the television whilst pressing his answer phone to see if there were any important messages. He frowned and deleted the first five phone calls full of anonymous people giggling how happy they were to have gotten his phone number. It was annoying how often his number made their way into the public domain, he was beginning to think he should just forget about having a land line and just rely on his cell phone but he feared the battery going and causing him to miss something important. Adam stared at the phone in disbelief as Kris’s much loved voice filled the air, pain audible in every word.

“Hey, you probably don’t want to hear from me...I just caught your performance on YouTube. I...I’m sorry for making you cry, Adam. I get it now, I really do. I love you and I miss you. I’ll talk to you sometime soon...even if it will be just superficial bullshit to hide my pain.”

Adam felt a sob escape him as the call ended, how he wanted to call and say he hadn’t meant a word. He had just been so tired of living in pain, anger, fear and shame, knowing there was only thing that could be done...they had to stop seeing each other. If it was meant to be then they would be together again. It had hurt so much, to see Kris falling to pieces and knowing he couldn’t be the one to pick up the pieces as he had always done.

Adam had let Kris inadvertently push him back into the closet. He had been forced to play coy during interviews saying that he didn’t have time to date. On the rare occasions Adam went out to clubs, he was careful to flirt enough for the paparazzi but never went any further than flirting. He had a partner, even if he couldn’t reveal it to the world. 

Adam had desperately wanted to be with Kris and do the normal couple things. It was devastating when Kris would just blow off their plans to go on a date without a thought as to how he felt. Coming up with dating opportunities was difficult but Adam persevered and found some safe places where they could be together without being spied by the press, LA had its own gay underground for closeted celebrities. 

When they first got together, Kris said he would come out in a couple of months once his divorce from Katy was final. Adam had accepted it but three months later Kris hadn’t come out, saying he wanted to wait a bit longer for his family to get used to his divorce. For the nineteen months they dated Kris kept coming up with reasons for not coming out but the last straw had been the week before when an article came out in which Kris said he was waiting to find the right **woman** for him. Since his divorce, Kris had never spoken about dating simply brushing away the question with a no comment or a quip about how wrong the latest tabloid rumours were. To see Kris talking about finding some woman to be with was a smack in the mouth and Adam was sure Kris had no idea why it had hurt so much.  
*******  
The full rock star mask in place, Adam walked into inside his management’s office, giving the paparazzi a quick wave of greeting as he walked past them. Whilst at times he found them intrusive, it was a small price to pay for having the music career he had always wanted, it was just a shame that he couldn’t have the family he wanted as well. The only man he had ever wanted children with was Kris but since the man was terrified of coming out, Adam knew it wouldn’t happen.

As soon as he stepped into the conference room, Adam could practically feel anger and disappointment radiating from the record company bigwigs. His agent was looking at him as though he had betrayed her, Adam had no idea why since he hadn’t done anything major like fucking someone in public.

Adam’s manager Lorraine said angrily, “Just what was your performance yesterday about?” 

“I was just singing something that meant something. Before you ask you don’t have to worry about a kiss and tell story and, no I am not going to tell you who I was singing about.”

Lorraine said quickly, “You should have cleared it with us, we need to come up with strategy to deal with this. Just say that you were seeing someone but you didn’t feel the need to broadcast your personal life in public.”

While that had the benefit of being true, Adam was worried that people would somehow realise he was singing about Kris. He didn’t want to ruin Kris’s life just because they were no longer together, he was not that petty.

“I suppose that has the benefit of being true. So what did you think of the new album?” Adam said calmly.

The head of the promotions department, Jack said honestly, “It’s good. There are two choices for the first single; Wishing You Were Here or Promises.”

Adam knew that each song would be painful to hear and sing for a while. He had written them during his relationship with Kris and each was special to him. The first was written whilst Kris was in Europe on a promo tour for two months and was a song of love, need and desire. Promises was written when he had been angry and feeling betrayed by Kris.

“Wishing You Were Here,” Adam said quickly.

“Good choice and your stunt last night will give you plenty of media coverage. Now are you sure there won’t be a kiss and tell story?”

Adam replied confidently, “Yes. I know he wouldn’t hurt me like that, Jack. “

“Even though you just broke up with him?” Maria, his publicist said sceptically.

“Yeah,” Adam replied, knowing Kris didn’t have a vindictive bone in his body, not to mention the younger man was firmly in the closet.

“That’s everything then,” Martin said calling the meeting to a close.  
*******  
Three weeks later Adam was exhausted, he had thrown himself into his work since the break up in a vain attempt to stop the pain. It hadn’t worked. He still loved Kris and often found himself starting to dial Kris’s number only to put the phone down when he remembered Tommy’s words.

Tommy had been right about how he shouldn’t be with someone who caused him so much pain but Adam still felt as though he had made a fatal mistake. He had managed to bumble through the interviews asking about the identity of the man who had broken his heart by saying he wanted to keep his love life private. He knew it was a direct contradiction to his words years ago that he was happy to talk about his love life but Kris had been more than a casual fling or one night stand. Kris was the one he wanted to have a family with, the man he wanted by his side forever.

Adam had found himself spending a lot of time with Tommy, who had listened and helped him find a way to stop him falling apart completely. Tommy had expertly deflected the press when Adam had a bad day and was close to breaking. Adam was pretty sure Tommy had figured out just who had torn his heart to pieces since the man had made every effort to stop Kris from approaching him at a party the night before. Tommy was an amazing friend, he might never have realised how much of a friend were it not for his heartbreak.

Adam wasn’t surprised when his new close relationship with Tommy had caused people to speculate about their relationship, numerous articles claiming Tommy had healed his broken heart. The papers were right in a way but although Tommy had once told him that he had a fluid sexuality, Adam would never have sex with him. He refused to risk losing their friendship if they got involved and everything went pear shaped. Adam had lost Kris the friend as well as Kris the partner, he supposed they had been naive when they had swore they would be friends even if they broke up.

It had hurt more than he had envisaged to shoot the video for Wishing You Were Here but at least, he had managed to convince the director to give the video a different storyline than they had originally planned. The original storyboards called for Adam to be thinking about his now dead lover, cutting to a scene of a gravestone, with him walking through the cemetery carrying a bouquet of black and white roses. The final storyline was about him thinking about his lover who had left him, showing him going about doing everyday things like shopping, eating and meeting friends intersected by clips of him and his lover in happier times.

Today he was taking part in a live E! special programme about the post American Idol careers of various Idol stars, which meant Kris would be filming but hopefully they wouldn’t be shooting at the same time. Adam was going to be doing an interview and introducing the first showing of the Wishing You Were Here video. He was worried that his emotions would get the better of him and he didn’t want to have a meltdown live on camera. He was also there to perform if there was time.

Adam looked up as Tommy walked in, using the key he had given his friend a week ago carrying a bag of groceries.

“What have you got there?” Adam asked eagerly.

“Breakfast. I thought we could drive in together. Are you going to be okay with today?” Tommy asked knowing Adam had written the song about Kris.

Tommy had suspected Kris had been the one to break Adam’s heart, his suspicions had been confirmed the night before after he saw the pain in Adam’s eyes whenever he looked at the southerner. It disgusted Tommy that Kris could hurt Adam, who had clearly been in love with him for so long. Tommy wasn’t blind, from the first time he saw the pair interacting that Adam was in love with Kris. Despite this, Tommy wasn’t sure how long the pair had been dating but over a year ago he had noticed that Adam didn’t even seriously flirt when they happened to go out.

Adam nodded in agreement, taking the bag from Tommy and heading into the kitchen. Looking through the bag Adam saw there were plenty of things he could make. Tommy had become used to his indecision when it came to breakfast, his choice of food depended upon his mood at the time.  
*******  
Adam frowned as he spied Kris’s agent in the corridor, Kris was apparently going to be on the show just before him and he wasn’t sure how he felt about it. He missed seeing Kris but at the same time, he didn’t know if he could be close to the man without losing it. Adam had barely coped the night before when he saw Kris from across the crowded room, thankfully Tommy had run interference and made sure he was never alone in Kris’s presence. 

Inside the dressing room, Adam thanked the makeup artist as she put the finishing touches to his makeup. Before leaving the room, the woman turned up the volume of the television in the room, which was of course showing MTV. Adam smiled softly on hearing Kris’s voice, god, how he missed hearing it. Despite himself, Adam found his attention focused on the television, on Kris.

**on screen**

With a wide smile Ryan said, “Kris, your new single, Pretender comes out in a week. It is a little different to your usual songs, a bit more rocky, edgy and darker. I’ve been told this was a last minute addition to your album, is that right?”

Kris nodded saying, “Yeah. Look, I know I'm supposed to be talking about my album and do my new single but I have something more important I want...need to talk about. The label is probably going to be pretty upset but I'm miserable and I can’t live like this any longer.”

Feeling something big was going to happen, the presenter stayed quiet knowing it would be a scoop no other show would get. It was sure to improve their ratings and ratings were everything.

Kris said seriously, “I...I am gay. I always have been...it just took me a while to come to terms with it. Katy and I...we got married too quickly. Neither of us had a chance to find out who we really were beforehand, I guess we got married because it was what people expected of us.” 

Nervously worrying his lip Kris continued, “I had a wonderful relationship for over a year and a half with an incredible man who I lost because I was too damn scared to come out. I was scared about how people would react, my friends, my family and my fans. I was scared that my career would be finished. I was a coward. I don’t know if he is watching this...or if he even cares but if he is then I want him to know that I'm sorry. Sweetie, I don’t deserve you...I hurt you so much but please can you give me a second chance? I'll write it in the sky if I have to...I’m yours, if you will have me.”

Back in the dressing room Adam was staring at the screen in amazement, he never thought Kris would do this. Kris wanted to be with him, really loved him, to come out like this live on television. Seeing the familiar signs of Kris starting to get really nervous, Adam whipped out his phone and pressed speed dial one.

As soon as the phone was answered Adam said, “Kris, did you mean it?...I love you, Kris but I won’t forgive you if you hurt me like that again.... Backstage. I'm supposed to be on stage in ten minutes...oh really...?”

**On screen**

Kris jumped as his phone rang, taking it from his pocket, he couldn’t believe his eyes. Adam was calling him...did that mean Adam was willing to take him back, to forgive him?

With a shaking hand Kris answered the call saying anxiously, “Hi Sweetie...Yeah, I meant every word...I love you too. I won’t. Where are you? Don’t move, I'm coming...not like that...”

Ending the call with a soft grin, Kris flashed the camera a wave before heading backstage to find Adam. Being in Adam’s arms was more important than some performance, besides, they had the video of Pretender that they could air instead.

Kris rushed through the corridors and towards Adam, on reaching the dressing room Kris threw the door open. Before Adam could say a word, Kris’s mouth was on Adam’s as he desperately kissed his love. With the kiss, he expressed all of his passion, love, need and fear, Kris shivered with lust at Adam’s low moan. At a loud bang, Kris ended the heated kiss and looked at the doorway where his agent, Sarah, was staring at them in disbelief, her PDA on the floor.

Sarah snarled, “Kris, you’ve just lost a whole demographic. You two had better stay together...we can spin you two as a committed couple. So no affairs, threesomes or one night stands understand?”

“Of course we are staying together and I would never want to be with anyone but Adam.”

“Good. Now Adam had better get out on stage...you can go out as well Kris. At least Ryan won’t give you a hard time.”

Kris glared at the woman, he didn’t need anyone’s permission to be with Adam and he didn’t care about someone giving him a hard time. He saw the truth now. Adam was more important than his own fears, insecurities and if need be his recording career.

Holding Adam's hand Kris walked through the corridors, heading towards the set feeling freer than ever before. After so long, he was finally able to be with Adam without thinking people were going to find out and out him. Adam still loved him and that made everything okay. Adam would be there to pick him up when he stumbled and hold his hand when he was tongue tied with nerves in public.

Walking onto the set, Kris felt a little worried at the gasp of the audience at the sight of them holding hands. As always he followed Adam's lead and took a seat on the couch, unconsciously, his hand went to Adam’s knee as he took the held out microphone.

“So I take it that this is your man Kris?” Ryan said with a smirk.

“My man...I like that,” Kris said with a grin before looking at Adam and saying honestly, “Adam is my partner and I am going to spend the rest of my life with him.”

“That’s great. Now onto business...Adam, you’ve always said that your song writing is based on your experiences. Does that mean your new album is about your relationship with Kris?”

Feeling everyone would know once they heard the album Adam answered bluntly, “Yeah, Ryan. Some of the songs I wrote when I was in a bad mood, like Promises.”

Grabbing his copy Ryan read out some of the lyrics,  
“Fell for promises that you never keep, damn you make me feel so cheap,  
Your false smiles and bright eyes, breaking me.”

Adam felt himself blush, “Yeah, not exactly a fluffy love song. My new single was written while Kris was on tour. I was feeling a little alone and all I could think about was him.”

“It is a beautiful song and clearly shows how much you love each other. So what’s next?”

“I think we’re both headed around the country for interviews for a while. We’ll probably catch up with our families and stuff,” Adam answered the presenter smoothly.

Kris said blushing, “Yeah...I should probably have called my parents and told them I was gay before declaring it to the nation. They will be okay and they really like Adam. I was just so focused on getting Adam back that I didn’t think about it.” 

“Adam...would you like to introduce your new video,” Ryan said with a grin.

On cue Adam said, “This my new single Wishing You Were Here, a E! News exclusive.”

One the video started playing, Adam and Kris quickly walked away from the set, eager to get somewhere alone so they could properly talk it would allow them to get rid of any issues before they turned up to bite them in the butt later. Still holding hands, the pair walked out of the studio ready to face any challenges about their relationship, they were together and ready to enjoy their future together.

The End


End file.
